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Content Warning - Suicide
In September, Shi Changan dragged his luggage and an admission notice to a key university in the city. Lu Shenxing put off his official duties and drove him to school.
The dormitories had four person rooms with two bunk beds placed on the left side of the entrance. On the opposite side were four side-by-side tables and cabinets. Drinking fountains were placed on the balcony and the bathroom took up a corner of the room. Overall, it was very good.
In the end, Shi Changan didn’t join the Conservatory. Lu Shenxing admitted that his method was a bit mean.
He was used to only looking at the results, as for the process, he could only push it to the back of his mind for the time being.
An acne-prone boy who had been spoilt in his youth stared at Lu Shenxing, who had rolled up his shirt sleeves and was making the bed. He approached Shi Changan, who was sorting out his closet, and said, "Hey, is that your brother? He’s so stylish."
Shi Changan turned his head to look at his roommate, and observed the pure curiosity on the other's face, nothing else. His lips curled slightly, and a shallow smile appeared. Lu Shenxing said aggressively, "His dad. "
The boy eyes widened and he said, "He's your father?"
Shi Changan raised his chin, "Yeah."
"Your dad is so young." After silently glancing at his own old man, the boy let out the words he'd been holding back.
When the middle-aged man heard the envy from behind him, he turned around and slapped his head, "Wang Shinan, you stinky boy, are you talking down at your father. I've had more filial dogs."
Wang Shinan touched his head and rolled his eyes, "I told you not to hit me on the head. Don't hit me on the head. If I keep getting hit how can my 170 dream come true?"
Everyone laughed, and the awkward atmosphere surrounding the several people in the room changed.
Shi Changan sent Lu Shenxing back to his car. When he was about to close the car door, he suddenly stopped, bent over and climbed in.
When he got out of the car, Shi Changan's lips were red and swollen, and he was breathless. His neatened his messy collar and suppressed his desires before he turned and left.
He basically just lived at home, and only the used dormitory occasionally. One evening Shi Changan received a call from Huang Kuo during self-study, "Changan, I don't have a mother."
Shi Changan was stunned at the sound of choked sobs. He got up and left his seat with a worried expression. A voice came from behind him. It was the boy sleeping next to him.
Shi Changan kept walking and quickly disappeared out the door of the classroom.
Wang Shinan poked the sleeping boy at the desk with a pen and said, "Qiao Han, I don't understand it, don't you feel embarrassed sticking to Changan so shamelessly?"
Qiao Han twisted his head away and shrugged lazily.
Wang Shinan, who was brushed off, twitched, "Don't think I don't know what you're doing!"
"Do you?" Qiao Han turned his head back, "Then tell me."
"You want to read the set of comic books Shi Changan put in his desk." Wang Shinan grinned. He also liked comics and wanted to check them out but didn't think it was polite as they weren't very familiar.
"..." Qiao Han patted Wang Shinan on the shoulder, "You're so smart."
Shi Changan found Huang Kuo in a playground they often went to. On summer nights, the calls of cicadas came from all directions, destroying the tranquility.
"Changan, it's you. I thought it was a garbage sweeper." Huang Kuo lay on the ground, his mouth full of alcohol, and dozens of bottles were scattered around.
Shi Changan walked over, kicked away a bottle and sat down. He'd never had a mother, so he didn't know how to comfort him.
"When did it happen?"
"I wasn't there when she left. I only found out after receiving notice from the Public Security Bureau. She's gone." Huang Kuo's eyes were red, and he sniffed. "It was gas poisoning. She didn't want to drag me down."
Shi Changan pursed his lips, "Is your dad back?"
"He said he didn't have time." In Huang Kuo's eyes there was hatred that did not belong to his age.
Shi Changan reached into his pocket, took out the tissue and handed it to him, "Forget him, you can talk to me in the future."
Huang Kuo put the tissue on his nose and twisted it, embarrassed and pitiful, "Drinking?"
"No." Shi Changan shook his head.
"Changan, don't you drink?" Huang Kuo opened a bottle of beer and gave it to him.
Shi Changan rubbed his forehead and drank. He squeezed the bottle in his hand and his breath was full of alcohol.
There was a moment of silence. The two teenagers were dull, drinking down bottles of beer one by one, and the crisp sound of the bottles being opened and thrown on the ground lasted for a long time.
Huang Kuo looked at the stars in the sky, his tongue knotted, "Changan, I heard that when people die, they will become stars in the sky. Help me find which one is my mother."
Shi Changan took off his glasses, wiped them, and put them on again. His thoughts were dizzy, and he looked at the sky for a long while, "That one."
"Huh? Where?" Huang Kuo kept his head up. Then after a while, he raised his arm and buried his face in it, making a choked cry, his shoulders trembling as he sobbed.
Shi Changan sighed and hugged him sideways, "The teacher taught us that no one can avoid birth, old age, sickness and death. Huang Kuo, everyone around us will leave one by one, including me and you."
Shi Changan suddenly stopped talking. He lowered his eyes. Dad would leave him one day and go to a place he couldn't find him. What would he do then...
At the same time, Shi Changle stood under the tree with his bag on his back, his eyes staring straight at the lights not far away, his steps sluggish.
At that time, he refused to bow his head, thinking that he wouldn't come back if he lost the bet, otherwise he would be laughed at. Now his thoughts seemed ridiculous.
On his eighteenth birthday, his dad's assistant came to him and gave him a card and the sentence 'In the future, your life will be your own.'
That was to say, he was completely abandoning him.
Shi Changle felt helpless for a while, but he had already accidentally learned that Dad had planned to let him and his brother become independent when they became adults.
He just didn't understand one thing, why could his brother stay?
Today, when he started school, he saw that other people were accompanied by their family members. But he was alone. Shi Changle clenched his belt tightly.
A beam of light approached along with the sound of an engine, Shi Changle stepped back, hiding in the dark and watching the man get out of the car.
The man suddenly changed direction, Shi Changle wanted to escape, but he was still holding onto a glimmer of hope.
A pair of strong arms hugged him, and a hot and humid touch came from the back of his neck. The intimate behavior made Shi Changle afraid to breathe, completely stunned.
"Didn't you text me that you would be late?"
Shi Changle came to his senses, and thought disappointed, it turns out that Dad had thought he was the wrong person, who did he think he was?
The next moment Shi Changle heard a familiar name in his ear, "Changan."
His face twisted in shock, he broke free vigorously, and ran away, staggering.
Lu Shenxing, who just realised that he had made a mistake, pulled his hair fiercely and cursed, "Fuck!"
When Shi Changan came back in the evening, Lu Shenxing, who hated dealing with dogblooded misunderstandings, took the initiative to confess that it was dark.
Shi Changan turned off the shower head switch, took a towel and wiped off the water, and said faintly, "Dad, don't do it again, okay?"
He minded, but he couldn't control the situation at that time.
Lu Shenxing hummed a syllable from his nose and hugged Shi Changan against the sink, using his mouth instead of a towel to get rid of the drops of water on his body.
After staying in the bathroom for more than two hours, Shi Changan and Lu Shenxing both took a bath again before going to bed.
Shi Changan held the hand on his waist, "Dad, if you want to leave someday, can you take me with you?"
The atmosphere in the room became depressed. After a long time, Lu Shenxing put his lips on Shi Changan's forehead, "Okay."
A few days later, Shi Changan saw Shi Changle at school. The first sentence from the other party was, "I know!"
Shi Changan put his hands in his pockets, and the wind blew at his collar and hair, revealing a slender neck covered with various hickeys.
Shi Changle took a deep breath, his face was ugly, "You and Dad, do you... have something between you?"
Shi Changan raised his eyebrows, "You came to me just to ask this?"
His relaxed tone angered Shi Changle. He looked at his brother as if was a piece of trash, "You're so disgusting."
"Are you finished?" Shi Changan said with a cold face, "I'm still waiting for dinner, please move."
Shi Changle trembled with anger, "You actually got together with your own father!"
Shi Changan stretched out his hand to push Shi Changle aside, and walked past. From the moment he decided to admit his own distorted feelings, he no longer cared how he looked in the eyes of others.
Shi Changle slowly squatted down, uncomfortable. The two closest to him had a relationship that he couldn't get involved with, and he was abandoned.
After that, the two brothers would occasionally run into each other. Except for attracting comments from the people around them, they only reacted with indifference and alienation.
Shi Changan saw Huang Kuo again at the Public Security Bureau. He was sitting among a bunch of people, his nose and face were swollen, and there was blood on his torn clothes.
After completing the formalities, Shi Changan took Huang Kuo to the hospital without asking.
"Changan, you can go back." Huang Kuo grinned, bleeding from his broken lips, but he didn't seem to feel any pain. "Thanks for this."
Shi Changan frowned, "You can't find another job?"
"Nah, I don't want to leave." Huang Kuo smoked a cigarette. In order to stay in the underground casino, he used the fastest speed to adapt himself to the rapid pace. It was like being caught between heaven and hell, a deep desperate desire. He could no longer drag himself away from the gaming tables.
Shi Changan's eyebrows tightened, and he saw the strong colour in the eyes of the young man in front of him, a delusion of fame and fortune.
"Changan, you don't understand." Huang Kuo took a few mouthfuls, his movements were adept, and he said with a smile, "Living is easy, but it depends on how you want to live."
Shi Changan was unwilling to continue the topic of 'we are from different worlds', "How much compensation should I pay this time?"
"Not much, I have a way." Huang Kuo squinted. Another guest at the gaming table had lost a large amount of cash. He'd insisted that he stole it. They got in a fight and took out the surveillance video. No one apologised but they found someone to put him in the game the next day.
He could tell they were desperate, Huang Kuo pinched his cigarette. Soon he would climb up, and step those people who looked down on him.